Once Upon a Casson
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: fairytales in Casson style! Indigo, Tom and Michael are Prince Charming, Bill is a beast, Eve sold Rose, Indigo is sleep deprived and Saffy, Rose, Sarah and Caddy have guns in their knickers Bill is so proud .


**Sleeping Beauty:**

Linda had always wondered if she had been delusional or just had some random crazy people come to visit her when she first had Saffy. It was the day after the difficult thirteen hours of labour when three very beautiful women came to visit her child. The first one gave the gift of beauty, the second the gift of wisdom and the third gave the gift of being cynical around men. Something which Linda really wished was given to her when she was born so she would have never fallen for Bill's bullshit and broken her baby twin sister's heart in the process.

But then she wouldn't have Saffy and that would mean she lost out completely.

Strangely enough another crazy person came to visit two hours later and cursed Saffy to die when her any part of her body touches a spindle on a spinning wheel. Linda quite frankly demanded two things: why? And where the hell would Saffy find a spindle in the first place?

The crazy guy just laughed and said he enjoyed putting curses on people and they always have a way of fulfilling themselves before disappearing in a puff of smoke. Linda decided to raise Saffy with a hate of history and sharp objects to avoid the curse.

Then another crazy person came and fixed the curse so Saffy would only fall into a coma until her true love's kiss wakes her up. Linda half thought about moving out of Sienna at this point, she was rather sick of crazy people visiting her and cursing her baby.

So life continued and Saffy was the typical happy three years old. And then Linda just had to go and die in a car crash, seriously a drunk guy was just so not looking where he was going and now her baby had to be raised by _Bill_ of all people! What on earth was her father thinking? It wasn't that Saffy would be unloved but Bill and Eve are terrible parents! Eve forgets about putting the oven on and Bill hates mess that children make, which had meant that their children have almost killed themselves countless times and this meant that Indigo, a very solemn little boy who was way beyond his years, took over the house chores. He knew how to make toast before he could talk for Christ sake!

So Linda watched her daughter grow up to be a beautiful, wise, cynical at men, young lady with a very mischievous best friend (Linda heartily approved at this friendship. She just wished she had her own Sarah when she was younger). She spent her afterlife between watching Saffy grow up and haunting Bill. She enjoyed making Bill shit himself in the middle of the night, there was nothing more he deserved after cheating on her sister again with Samantha.

Anyway, things were going great until Saffy's forehead made contact with the fat, friendly and well meaningful guy but let's face it - he isn't the brightest bulb out of the lot's drum kit's sharp end. And poof! There was a lot of blood, screaming on little Rose's behalf, tears on Eve's, reasonable calmness on Indigo's as he called an ambulance before making his sister and mother sugary tea.

So now Saffy was in this coma and there was nothing anyone can do. Bill was back and taking control and Linda was pleased to see him pale and frightened over Saffy. A good thing since the last time he looked like that was when he had to tell Saffy who her father was.

Then the fat friendly stupid guy came to visit her. He apologised, cried and then kissed her cheek meekly before she woke up.

"Did you just kiss me?" she demanded.

"Err..."

"You pervert! Molesting a girl when she's asleep!"

"I'm sorry!"

Now, as Linda watched as her daughter scared the living shit out of the poor true love, Linda decided she'll haunt her daughter and make it clear what she thought about Saffy's taste in men.

**Cinderella:**

"Hey Tom?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember that I told Rose she couldn't come out with us last night?"

"Because she's too young to go clubbing, yeah I remember. Why?"

"Well do you remember that really pretty girl with the silver shoes that you snogged last night? The one that ran off when I said we were going home? The one that left a shoe behind and you took it back with you in hopes of finding her?"

"Erm...yeah?"

"Well, look what I found in Rose's room just now," Indigo lifted up a pretty silver shoe in his hand. A pretty silver shoe that looked remarkably like the one Tom has in his room. "Do you know what this means?"

"That Rose has got some really good fake ID?"

"That you snogged my little sister, your prat!" Indigo looked very solemn. "I am very sorry Tom."

"What for?"

And suddenly out of nowhere Indigo's fist flew out and hit Tom hard in the nose. Tom flew back onto the sofa clutching his nose that must be broken because he has never felt such searing pain before. Never has he felt so much blood fill up his hand and never has he felt this close to fainting.

Just before everything went black, Tom enjoyed the comical sight of Rose beating the living shit out of Indigo with her silver shoe.

**Snow White:**

Michael wondered privately why he agreed to this. It was the summer holidays and Caddy called him to ask if she could burrow his car. The Casson Family (Eve, Rose, Indigo, Saffy and Sarah – Bill was still in London) were going to have a picnic but Eve's car didn't have enough room for all of them and Sarah's parents have gone on a weekend trip together. Michael agreed and then promptly demanded that he'll do the driving. He didn't quite trust Caddy since the last time she looked after his car she went on a road trip to Wales and he would go to hell and back if it meant he got to spend some time with the pretty blonde.

So most of the day went ok apart from everyone suddenly having to fish Rose out of the duck pond. She looked at Michael more admiringly after he rescued her and he sincerely hoped she wasn't getting a crush on him because one Cason sister was most definitely enough. They ate without any problems, talking over one another and making jokes when suddenly Sarah started to choke.

Michael could barely remember his CPR training while both Caddy and Eve got hysterical, Rose looked frightened and Saffy was banging on Sarah's back only to stop when Sarah passed out. Suddenly with such quickness and hero-like calmness, Indigo pulled Sarah out of her wheelchair, laid her down on the floor and performed CPR on her.

When she woke up with a gasp, Indigo turned round and spat out the apple bit that he seemed to sucked out of Sarah's throat.

"Does this mean Sarah's Snow White?" Rose asked Caddy.

Caddy giggled. "Indigo makes an unusual Prince Charming, doesn't he?"

Rose then shot off to play and they could hear her sing Snow White songs cheerfully. "If I'm Snow White, who's my seven dwarfs?" Sarah asked rather amused. Indigo, she thought fondly – a thought she'll never tell Saffy even if tortured -, looked rather adorable with the heavy blushing.

"Rose has enough multi-personalities to fill the requirement of all seven dwarfs," Michael said equally amused and rather pleased with him as Caddy rested her head on his shoulder.

**Beauty and the Beast:**

"Daddy is a horrible, nasty, ugly beast!" Rose shouted as she stamped her foot hard on the ground.

"He can't be that bad really, after all Eve married him and she's one of the nicest people in the world," Michael pointed out calmly.

"Mummy is Beauty who forgot to turn Daddy into a Prince!"

**Twelve Dancing Princesses:**

Indigo paused at the living room door on his way to the kitchen. He took a step back and stared at the very strange sight of his father talking to twelve teenage guys. Last time he had checked he was the only boy in his family so unless he's father was more unfaithful as they thought...

"Dad, what's going on?"

"Oh Indy, these fine young men are here to see where your sisters disappear to and then maybe marry them."

"Dad, I only have three sisters not twelve."

"Yes but we need twelve just to handle Caddy and she's the nice one."

**Little Red Riding Hood:**

Sarah sat there staring at her grandmother. First she cursed whatever stupidity ran in her family to set her grandmother in a lovely cottage near the forest. Next she cursed her grandmother's illness that made her go and visit meaning she was missing out of studying/shopping time with Saffy and snogging time with Indy. Her three favourite things in the world!

Not to mention whatever disease her grandmother had had turned the old bat into a smelly furry beast.

"Why grandmother what big eyes you have," Sarah joked.

"All the better to see you with my dear," her grandmother replied.

"Why grandmother what big ears you have."

"All the better to hear you with my dear."

"Why grandmother what big teeth, lots of fur and disgusting smell you have," Sarah said quickly. "What illness is it that you have?"

Before the wolf (who must have some sort of human intelligence to get past the top security her father had placed on the cottage and then dress up as an old woman and then talk of all things!) launched itself to eat her, Sarah whipped out something from her knickers and shot it several times over.

"I must thank Rose for lending me her Revolting Rhymes book" she said cheerfully as she looked at what will be her mother's new fur rug.

**Jack and the Beanstalk:**

"Indy...Indy wake up," Rose whispered loudly as she shook Indigo.

"What is it now?" Indigo moaned.

"Those magic beans I gave Saffy for her birthday!" Rose whispered excitedly.

"That she threw out of the window and got you grounded by Dad for being conned?" Indigo said trying to remember yesterday's events. The party had been magic themed and there was certainly a lot of magical punch that had made him forget certain events.

"They've grown into a giant beanstalk!" Rose half squealed.

Indigo blinked. There was a long moment of silence as Rose was practically jumping on the bed with excitement.

"It's a good thing I got that axe for Christmas," Indigo said getting out of bed. "Go make sure Mum isn't in the shed, I'll make everyone a special bean dish tonight."

**Rapunzel: **

Michael was used to seeing the Casson family do something stupid when he was picking up or dropping off Caddy for Driving Lessons. But nothing could prepare him for this new stupid act that all four siblings were in on. He sat there in his car seat, mouth dropped open so large that one of Caddy's hamsters could fit comfortably in there and wide eyes of horror.

Indigo and Rose were climbing up someone's hair to the first floor bedroom window.

They were climbing up on Caddy's hair going by the screams of 'oh please do be careful darlings, my head hurts ever so'.

He gathered all his courage and sanity before leaping out of the car and roaring, "What the hell are you lot thinking?"

Causing both children to lose their grip on Caddy's newly long hair and falling onto the mattresses below. Indigo looked calm as ever while Rose glared furiously at Michael and grumbled some very rude words that a six year old should have never learnt.

"Oh Michael, darling!" Caddy cooed turning round to face him. "We're helping Indy's fear of heights by having him play out Rapunzel! Do you like my hair extensions? It took a week of housekeeping money to do!"

"We're living on tins now," Saffy said dryly.

While Michael admitted that Caddy had a lovely glow of excitement and happiness around her, he couldn't allow her to do something so reckless with her siblings' lives and her own head. So he said the only thing that he knew would bring some sense into her.

"Dianne would have never grown her hair beyond waist length. She knows health and safety remarkably well and would never encouraged her siblings to do anything that would hurt them."

He was a little taken back when he saw Caddy's lip tremble slightly and even more taken back when the calm, quiet, emotionless Indigo gave him a death glare that rivalled his little sister's.

He was a dead man.

**Rumpelstiltskin:**

Bill stared at the small man sitting next to him and then looked back at the contract his wife had signed. "Eve Darling," he moaned, "what on earth encouraged you to sign such a thing?"

"I had three children to feed, clothe and keep warm, Bill Darling, not to mention a baby in my belly needed feeding as well. I would have sold my soul to the devil if it meant they got what they deserved," Eve said rather forcefully.

"Instead you sold our baby girl to this monster!" Bill exploded.

"Oi! I may be small and have high prices for my talents but I'm no monster, the little mite will be raised right until she's big enough for my cooking pot" the man protested.

Bill felt like he was going to have a heart attack and Eve burst into tears. "Is there no escape clause?" he choked.

"Of course, right there," the man pointed to a paragraph.

"The father of said child will have to guess the child's name within three guesses or the contract will remain," Bill read out. He then looked at the small man. "Aren't we supposed to guess your name?"

"You're kidding, right? Ever since that bitch queen published her story all of the women have managed to escape. I had to change it after a century of no baby stew."

Bill smirked. "Well that's easy, my daughter is called Rose."

"Wrong!"

"What?"

"Rose is a nickname; don't you look at your children's birth certificates? I guess not if the Mrs Here doesn't know about baby number two's father."

Bill gave a wary glance at the paint chart. "Please tell me it isn't Rose Madder?" Mad Rose. His daughter will be called Mad Rose and she'll become a serial killer like Jack the Ripper.

"Wrong, last chance!"

"Erm...Briar Rose?"

"And wrong again, this baby is mine!" the small man said gleefully taking Rose out of a weeping Eve's arms. "Aren't you going to be a lovely dinner?" Rose, who was rather advance in her age for troublemaking, bit him on the nose with her brand new tooth. "AHHHH!" the small man screamed throwing the baby back at Bill, who just barely caught her in time. "Keep that little monster! I don't want food that bites back! Evil child! Devil's spawn! Let her be your problem!"

He disappeared with a puff of smoke.

Eve clapped excitedly. "Oh Rosie Pose! You really lived up to your name, haven't you baby?" she cooed taking Rose out of her husband's arms and giving her baby kisses by the dozen.

Bill was feeling a huge sensation of sheer dread. "Eve Darling, what exactly have you called our daughter?"

**Princess and the Pea:**

Indigo was furious. It was one thing to be woken up several times in the night but to be woken up several times every single night for a month was a completely different thing altogether! Rose had kept claiming there was something inside her mattress. Ignoring her claims the family just gave her more duvets and the spare mattress to make herself more comfortable. The pile of bedding on her bed had gotten comically high but she still complained.

So out of a fit of irritated sleep deprived anger, Indigo took a knife to Rose's mattress to find Caddy's lost engagement ring.

"Why the hell is that there?" Indigo cried out.

"Oh, I must have dropped it in there when I was making Rose's bed!" Caddy said joyfully. "Michael will be so pleased to know I've found it. He was worried that I was going to dump him again."

"Please don't," Bill muttered not wanting the drama that happened the last time to repeat itself. His back can't take any more of that.

"Well for fucking Christ sake, get the ring tightened or something so it won't fall off into mattresses!" Indigo exploded. "And you!" he yelled at Rose. "Don't wake me up ever again!"

He marched off, slammed his bedroom door, barricaded it with his chair, put his headphones in and buried himself under his own covers and pillows. He woke up the next day to find Bill asleep by his door. Apparently he spent the whole night screaming at Indigo to come out and apologise to Rose.

**Princess and the Frog:**

When Rose was five years old she followed Saffy around with a frog she caught from the pond with Eve. In Rose's mind Saffy looked and acted like a princess, pretty but rather stuck up and cold. So she thought to herself that if Saffy kissed a frog and turned it back into a prince, she would be happy and play with Rose.

Instead she found her Froggy Prince shoved in the blender and the liquidised button pressed. It took three weeks for Indigo to clean it properly, two months of being punished by Bill and a funeral performed by Caddy until Rose stopped crying.

**Swan Princess:**

"Good news everyone!" Bill said happily. "I got us all tickets to see the ballet! We're going to see Swan Princess, it's all about..."

The next evening after a food fight, snoring, Rose shouting and Bill getting kicked and punched by Rose, Bill made another speech to the tired family.

"Bad news everyone," he said irritated and moody, "you'll never get to see the ballet ever again. You were all disgraceful and don't deserve such treats."

"Good!" Rose exploded. "It was boring and made no sense!"

"It was too girly even for me," Indigo said quietly.

"It made no sense!" Saffy said with equal ferocity of Rose. "Why the hell was the spell made that way? Why didn't she transform on other lakes? Why was a declaration made in her honour kill her because he said it around another girl? No bloody sense at all!"

Caddy, however, was in tears. "But I enjoyed it and I did behave!" she wailed.

Bill just couldn't wait for the train tomorrow morning.

**Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Wolf:**

One morning after moving out of the Banana House, Saffy woke up to find Rose and Caddy at her door. "Why are you two here?" she asked.

"You know how we live in a house made of straw and twigs?" Caddy said cheerfully making herself at home by making pancakes for them.

"Yes?"

"Well a wolf came along and blew them down, so we've come to move in with you."

"The wolf isn't coming here is he?" Saffy asked a little alarmed.

"Oh no, lucky for us both me and Rose keep guns in our knickers after reading those Revolting Rhymes."

"Bill must be so happy," Saffy said dryly.

**Goldilocks and the Three Bears:**

"What on earth were you thinking?" Bill exploded once his daughter was released from her cell. "Breaking and entering? Vandalising a chair? Stealing food? Sleeping in someone else's bed? Did I raise you to be this awful?"

"You didn't raise me at all," Rose pointed out. "And the last one isn't a crime and Mrs Levin isn't pressing charges."

"Only because you fed her cats and are friends with Tom!" Bill practically screamed out. "What on earth were you doing there?"

"Waiting for Tom."

Bill never wanted to strangle someone so much as he wanted to strangle Tom.

**Little Mermaid:**

Saffy and Sarah were once put in charge of bathing Buttercup and the twins. They were resistant at first but they won them over with a tale of mermaids and sea monsters and princes. They used the Disney's Little Mermaid for their plot where they sang Under the Sea and made bath time fun for them.

By the time they were out of the bath and put to bed Saffy and Sarah were soaked to the bone and swore to never give baths to little children ever again.

"We're adopting teenagers, Indy, we're never having children," Sarah moaned as her lovely boyfriend dried her hair for her.

**Aladdin:**

Tom found the lamp in a flea market when his Grandmother dragged him out for something other than sitting on the roof playing music or going to the Cassons. He thought it looked cool and look awesome in his room; it just needed a little polish.

He was so not expecting the genie to come out and offer all of his dreams.

Three wishes, no bringing someone back from the dead, killing someone or making someone fall in love.

His first wish was to be found by a record label and be famous. It was in the works but he was loving the attention that Simon Cowell's lackeys were laying on him.

His second wish was to understand why his parents split up. It was something he could never get. Once he did understand he phoned his father, had a long talk and started to get to know his stepmother and was looking forwards to seeing his little sister again. He was happier.

His third and final wish was difficult. He wasn't sure what to wish on and the genie was urging him to set him free.

"Nah," Tom said making the genie's face fall in sadness, "I want to make the circumstances easier for me and her."

"I can't make her fall in love with you," the genie said coolly.

"I know but I want to make less obstacles for us," Tom said calmly, "I know I'll have to fight for her attention with plenty of guys but there's one giant obstacle between us that would help a hell lot if it was gone."

"So what's your wish?" the genie said looking impatient.

"I wish Permanent Rose Casson was my age."

Three years later he stood at Caddy and Michael's wedding reception holding hands with Rose. He looked on amused as Caddy opened his wedding gift for her – the genie's lamp. If anyone is going to set that guy free, it'll be her.

**Peter Pan:**

"Won't any of you just grow up?" Saffy screamed during her stressful exam period.

"Never."

"No."

"What's the fun in growing up, Saffron?"

Saffy banged her head against the table. "Urgh, I'm stuck in Neverland," she muttered, "no wonder Bill left."

**Thumbelina: **

"You're so small Rose," one classmate said during her first week of school. "A midget."

Rose clenched her fists and glared darkly at her fellow classmate.

"I know she's tiny, smallest of our class," another sniggered. Some of the others started to join in making cracks and jokes about her height. Rose bit her lip and held herself up right and tight as possible. She felt her anger boil in her skin wanting to explode and hit something or someone.

"Thumbelina," someone said.

She cracked and punched that someone really hard before turning to the others. "One of you ever make a joke about my height again and I'll kill you!" she said fiercely.

Every since then Rose had a reputation of being the toughest girl in school.

**Pinocchio: **

"Bill."

"Yes, Saffy?"

"I've been wondering..."

"Yes?"

"Why is it that over the years your nose has gotten bigger and bigger and then suddenly shrunk when you told me you were my father?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about Saffy."

"Bill."

"Yes, Saffy?"

"Your nose has just gotten bigger."


End file.
